It's officially the start of summer here. I feel the sweltering heat
already and it's driving me batty. There's a light breeze outside, but
it's also quite warm. It doesn't help much in cooling off, though. That
just means one thing: BEACH, here I come!
We're having our company outing next Friday, but I'm still thinking if I'd go. I want to go to the beach, pero hindi ko pa feel sumama sa outing. I'll make a decision this weekend. :)
March
1 is not only the official start of summer (for me, that is). It's also
Mom & Dad's 31st Wedding Anniversary and my cousin Geebee's 25th
birthday. Oh, and don’t forget, it’s also Ash Wednesday today, the
start of the Lenten Season.
It's a bittersweet day today.
Dad
and I went to Loyola Memorial Park, Sucat this morning, even if we were
there last Sunday (we’re there every Sunday morning). Siempre, we
should be there today coz it’s their 31st Wedding Anniversary. We
brought red roses and prayed.
I felt sad as I looked at my dad
while he was praying. But off course, I couldn’t show him I was crying
silently. He’d just be sadder if he did see me. Dad was smiling while
he was praying. I took that to mean that he was probably replaying in
his mind all the wonderful things that happened to him and mom over the
years.
Sometimes I’m so caught up with my own feelings that I
tend to forget that it’s harder for my dad that mom’s gone. My dad’s an
extrovert and he’s the life of the party, but when it comes to
emotional stuff, he’s not too big on words. He’s not as demonstrative
as mom was, but you can see in his eyes how he feels. Intense tumingin si Daddy.
I
could count in one hand the times I’ve seen my dad cry openly. That
doesn’t mean he doesn’t cry, but I think it’s because his generation
was brought up with the belief that men don’t cry. He’s always been the
strong one, so when I see him cry in the open, I know he’s really
hurting.
This morning when we were at mom’s grave, I saw him
wipe his tears, but there was this bittersweet smile on his face. Like
he was thinking what if they’re still together. And it just broke my
heart seeing that.
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Sometimes I force
myself to write happier things, but then I'd realize that grief can't
be rushed. People grieve in different ways and at varying timeframes. I
express my grief in writing and one day (in the very near future :p) I
hope I'll wake up feeling lighter and happier. Which doesn't mean I've
forgotten our loss, but that I've accepted it completely. :)
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I
greeted my cousin earlier and I jokingly said that she's already 25 and
that she's getting old. I forgot that she could say this: "If 25 is old, what do you call 30? 31st anniv nila mommy mo diba? Ibig sabihin sa birthday mo Ate Jen, 30 ka na. Hahaha!" Shyems...
oo nga pala, I'll be 30 next month. For a few seconds there, I couldn't
think of an appropriate response. Hahaha! Then I said, "Ok lang, nasa calendar pa naman ako." :p
